sarah!!

school is going by quickly. i decided i want to be a colorist. next step, finding an apprenticeship in manhattan.

my dad is doing well. he gets to email me. its cheaper to use the internet instead of the telephone.

the prison has no fences. he lives in a dorm type of deal and plays bacci ball with the fellow inmates.

tomorrow is going to be insane here for the fireworks. they are being held on the hudson river instead of the east river. living on the cliff right off the river, i expect to see lots of tourist and sweaty people everywhere. hell, they are closing off all the roads out here and replacing them with port-o-potties. gross.

my friend sydle and i are going to be taking free yoga classes every other day after class. wish me luck. time to get fit.

1. i have the nastiest spider bite ever. i woke up in the middle of the night with a muscle pain in the right side of my back behind my arm. since thats an area that is hard to see unless in the mirror, i thought i might have just pulled a muscle from working at school. (i use my arms a lot -hair cutting, dyeing, blow drying ect.) i got changed in the morning to find my boyfriend freaking out at a huge black/red circle located in the area i was complaining about. spider bite. everyone says so. even my mom and dad who are both in the medical field. it must have happened in my sleep. its been over a week and still no change... except now the area is completely black as apposed to it have a layer of red blood surrounding it.

2.i am no longer working. out of money and poor. cant go to the doctors to get my bite checked out.

3. my cat wolvie is pretty sick right now and since i lost my job, i had to cry to my mother to see if she would help me out. it seems pretty serious and i dont know what i would do without her. i hope everything goes well at the vet tomorrow. but it sucks even more because i have to miss another day at school.

4. my dad is leaving for prison this friday.

i am venturing back to south jersey/philly again for my final goodbye to my father. he leaves for prison in 10 days. i cant believe all these years of me posting about his leaving, the time has finally come. i feel like i want to cry but for some reason i can't. i literally cant cry over this anymore. its a strange feeling. who knows what the situation is going to be when i get there.. will he be upset? will he be drunk? will he be angry? im not sure. im not even sure if he is even going to be home those days.

at least i can say, i was there...even if he is not physically or mentally there. i was.

i dont have many people to talk to about this matter. my boyfriend is there for me but he can only relate to this as much as anyone else could. not many people i know have a father leaving for prison. sure, it happens to some, but how come none of those people are people i know?

IN ORDER (some towns i have lived in more than once)

woodstown, nj
elmer, nj
pitman, nj
folsom, nj
moroeville, nj
pitman, nj
elmer, nj
nesco, nj
hammonton, nj (my first apartment!)
pittsgrove, nj
nesco, nj
philadelphia, pa
mayslanding, nj
philadelphia, pa (my 2nd place in philly sucked. my roommate was a creep and my ex was a dick.
hammonton, nj
weehawken, nj (favorite place to live ever!)


i know there is more places i have lives in but, my memory is at a loss.

so i bought myself new sneakers for my birthday. i really needed new shoes with all the standing/walking i will be doing in school and work. these are pretty sick.

edit: the red pumas were out of stock and the website (and every other website) does not carry them any longer. im pretty upset but i just found a pair in black and silver. i think i actually like these ones better...

have i come to an end to my journey? i spent the past couple years on the go. running from, at the time unknowingly, myself, loneliness, and so many other factors. ive spent those years moving from place to place. creating memories as well as destroying them. averaging 9 different "homes" in a year and a half. there are so many people who have played roles in my life. and yet again, almost a year ago, i destroyed them.

but for a good reason. i am no longer running. i am no longer lonely. i am here to stay. me going to school is pretty final. my license will be issued to the state of new york meaning no matter what happens between jessey and i, i will have to remain up north. its a little scary and the finality of it all is hitting me more and more as school approaches in 2 weeks.

today was my dads final trial. he is leaving for prison in 90 days and will be away for a little more then 3 years. everything feels so unreal. i knew this time would come but like everyone else, we thought he would just escape from it all. a simple slap on the wrist.

ill be 24 when he gets out. thats absolutely crazy.

obviously, i cant sleep.

does anyone ever feel that their entire life is a dream? if not the entire life, then certain parts. i used to have this feeling all the time as a child. everything would feel hazy and seem a little off. i eventually grew out of it. but lately, everything has been very very vague. this isn't a positive or a negative feeling. its completely neutral. when i get this feeling, its as if i am viewing my life from some higher up place. literally, not metaphorically. as if i were standing on top of a high cliff looking down at myself and the events that are happening. hovering around viewing my life. i suppose this "dream" feeling comes into play because i know that it isn't really true. most of the time, i don't even feel like i am myself. i don;t feel like it is me who is living and doing the things i normally do. i don't feel like my name is sarah but it should be someone else's.

another thing that i've noticed during this feeling is that i will engage in a conversation with someone but not be able to fully understand what they are saying. not that i cant grab the concept, but i literally can not make out the words from their mouth. they could be speaking clearly and have perfect english, but the words seem like jibberish. everything gets mumbled up and seems to slow down immensely.

sounds like something a drug addict would describe. but i assure you, i am clean. i just wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences.

last night i got my acceptance letter to aveda. im pretty excited. i have never gotten an acceptance letter to anything in the mail. mainly because this is my first time apply to anything worth the while.

orientation starts on the day of my 21st birthday. then actually classes start april 28.

im ready to do something productive with my life. to be able to support myself no matter what life throws at me and do something that i will enjoy doing.

hopefully, ill meet some new friends as well. i still havent met anyone really except maryam (my co worker who i only see if she is working and i need my paycheck) and shes 44 years old!

everything is going well. and will go well. unless i run into that guy who spit on me on the subway for no reason. asshole.